Step 4 is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I dont believe there is any right way or wrong way to do this step, but it does, in my opinion, needs to be a serious insight in to my character, my character defects, the causes and conditions of my disease of alcoholism as I feel and try to express moral inventory.
I know I have some serious insecurity issues and fear. In the meeting this morning Wes mentioned his trip through the unchartered waters of sobriety. That hit me. For 14 years of my life I didnt know what a drink or drug was and the next 14 were a miserable blur. I self medicate to numb and escape the reality of this fear, insecurity, shame and guilt that is somewhere for reasons I have yet to search for inside myself .
The reasons I know of immediately come from being sexually abused by another man at 5 years old. My world was turned inside out when that happened. The disease had begun, I believe, here. I ran away from home as a young kid, I would walk to the store, at 5 and 6 years old to buy baseball cards, my first addiction, and than lie about where I was. I remember being caught in this lie like it was yesterday. At 7 I began to ride my bike or walk almost everyday before school to McDonalds to buy hashbrowns, the cheapest item on the menu that had monopoly game pieces that you could win a prizes from. I was addicted and I was willing to go to any length to feed my disease and feel that comfort that comes from buying something new, or drinking and using drugs.
At 7 and 8 years old while in 3rd and 4th grade I began pulling my hair out in big chunks all over my head as I lay in bed at night. I had large bald spots all over my head. I didnt tell anyone what was happening I lied. The doctors thought I had a disease called alopecia where you lose hair due to stress. My inclinations leads me ro believe this was post traumatic stress from being abused as a child and it manifested itself in the condition known as trichotomania, when you compulsively pull out hair from your any part of your body. Even as an adult I find myself at times pulling eyebrow hair, goatee hair, even practically shaving my face by using tweezers to pull out every hair on my face. This pain was a release for me. I had to wear a hat in school and all the kids made fun of me and called me names. It was bad enough I already felt different than others because I had sick secrets. Because of being sexually abused I bgean masturbating as early as 6 years old. I compulsively did this every night before bed or when I had the compulsion to do so. I would masturbate while sleeping over at a frinds house. I once laid down in the stall of the elementary school bathroom when i was in 3rd grade and humped the floor until I got off. This kind of behavior I didnt think affected me as much as it may have looking back on it now. My libido is a rolllercoaster and many times I have real insecurity issues about being intimate wwith a woman. I have been to the dr and ordered viagra from overseas on the internet because my sexuality in my brain is skewed to the point where insread of enjoying my partner during sex and naturally trying to be aroused by her I would make sure I would be nice and hard. If I didnt take the viagra fear and anxiety would ruin the experience and I would go soft. I would blame it on being tired or just not in the mood. This is something I need to work out. I want to be able to have healthy sexual relations, naturally.
I had a large group of friends and a cool car in highschool so it was easy to be liked and hang with the in crowd, but I still felt like the ugly duckling, the outsider. I fed off my friends energy and never really developed my own self worth.
My first experience with drugs and alcohol was at 14. I loved to drink at school, snort meth or cocaine before school started. I would stay up all night on meth cleaning my room obsessively and studying my school books. I wanted to get the highest grades and prove I I was intelligent. I felt the need to prove myself to others instead of proving to myself to improve my self esteem andd self worth. I was trying to balance two lives at once, The alcoholic, and the normal person people perceived me as.
After high school I moved out and for 8 years from 18 years old till 26 I lived in the same apartment with 14 different rooom mates over that time. I continued to drink and use drugs because a. I liked the feeling I was getting, b. my friends also did it so i guess i thought it was the cool thing to do. What I know now is that when I picked up, I stopped gtowing up. I stopped maturing. I acted like a man when inside I was just a cared confused little boy looking for ansers to lifes questions in all the wrong places.
I eventuallty had to drop out of college because I couldnt keep up my two lives, the alcoholic and the normie. My world were colliding and anybody I seemed to touch I eventually hurt and pushed awaty from me. I didnt want people to know the real me. I didnt even know the real me and I still dont today. Who is Jason Roques? A good guy? a bad guy? In my heart I know I am good and my intentions are what I think to be good in my actions and interpersonal relationships with people when really I am just trying to be self serving, self centered, self loathing. I take some sick pleasure in the pain and suffering I cause myself. "Ill show you Ill hurt me" type attitude. As Ive been told by my sponsor I seem to have a gloomy outlook on life. I have the weight of problems on my shoulders when I should be able by now to turn that over to my higher power as I understand it. I still try to run the show, my ego needs to be deflated. My character defects need to be faced head on and explored, causes and conditions, and I need to pray for God to remove these from me so that I can be happy and free. I worry and make the smallest issues in to something larger than it is. I have trouble staying in the here and now, staying in today. Instead I play those old tapes of me ruining relationships, burning bridges at jobs by lying, stealing from the cash register, blaming everything and everybody in the world for my problems. Never did I think I AM THE PROBLEM. My drinking and using which eventually took everything from me but my freedom as a citizen and my life. These are "yets" "your eligible too" if I stay in my disease.
The book begs me to be fearless and thourough from the very start. To not drink or use NO MATTER WHAT. To live life on lifes terms. To walk through uncomfortable situations instead of drinking and using to push them further back in to my mind to fester. It is time to clean up the wreckage of my past. It is time to keep m,y side of the street clean. To accept all people, places, and things as the way they are exactly. I have to accept these things or I can never be truly happy. I know I have to help and serve others, to be of service, to go out of my way when I can to help anothger person, alcoholic or not. My moral inventory will continue to grow as I begin to continually go to meetings, call my sonsor and talk with him, Work on my steps with my sponsor. I have to work in order to make things right. Act my way in to right thinking instead of thinking my way in to right acting. I have 35 days sober amd I feel raw, vulnerable, scared of the unknown, uncomfortable in my own skin. I do firmly believe that God can and will restore me to sanity if I pray and work toward it. I do believe "the promises" will happen in my life. That I will intuitvely know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. I have to be willing to go to any length to stay sober and pass on freely what I get in AA to another alcoholic. I have a road ahead of me and I know I may find myself in undesireable situations, but AA gives me tools ro cope with these issues instead of doing the opposite and neglecting it, running from it by drinking and using drugs. God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I need, I desire peace of mind. I must be truthful about everything and anything. I need to recognize that I am a good person. I need to learn to love myself. AA meetings, staying sober, will give me a foundation in which to build a new life for myself. One free of insecurity and free of ego. A life where I get to live in today, in the moment, and feel at ease in any given situation. Work has to be done, an "inside job". This is my only way to live a life that I desire, one day at a time. Acceptanc is the key to my all my worries. I will continue to do the best I can and practice the rpinciples of AA in all my affairs. I love you Jason Roques, and I am pulling for you to persevere through these rough times.The book says it and I believe it, today, that if I work toward spiritual serenity, spiritual fitness, that the promises can and will come true for me as they have for so many other recovering slcoholics. It may not be comfortable I know, but the rewards will be more valuable than anything material of this world. I want to love myself I want to help myself so that I can help others. I have the capability. I am not a lost cause. My life is just beginning when for so long I thought I was at my end, that I had peaked. The old me stood atop a house of cards ands the new me will keep his feet on the ground his head out of the clouds. I want to be able to be comfortable and confident in myself regardless of the cards life has been dealt to me. I know these aspirations are possible. I see them every day in meetings. I hear another alcoholics experience strength and hope. I listen to and should take the suggestions of my sponsor. Please comment on and add or ask anything I may be forgetting as I do not know how to work the steps. But I am here, I am soberm alive, open minded, teachable. Please show me the Sunlight of the Spirit. I love you. Thank you.