Jason (highslows) wrote,

more step 4

self justification, excuses, for my drinking /using days and other destructive addictive behavior such as gambling.

our desire for sex, for material and emotional secuurity and for an important place in society often tyrannize us" 12 by 12 pg. 42

I have desires. Healthy desires and not so harmful desires. The desire to be free, sober, sel supporting through my own contributions, to be helpful to others, to make the right decision, to take action, to be a good person. My need for security induces feelings of fear, anxiety, self-doubt, that im not good enough, that ill never make enough money.

Today for the about a week in a row or more after working all day, got paid, and wanted to go home, for some reason I head to the casino. I have a gambling problem. I believe my addiction has made a left turn and my bow is not headed forward. This is causing my life to be unmnageable. I am well behind on bills and it is causing me harm and others harm such as my mother who worries and gets upset when these types of things happen, generally because she is stuck with the bill. She gets just as much stress and anxiety and fear as me if not more because of my actions.

I need to correct this. Part of my frustration I know stems from not planning for the 24 hours ahead of me. And not keeping in mind that yesterday is over, it cant be fixed, but the present day I HAVE A CHOICE.

As far as my sex inventory. I would say I use relationships as pieces of emotional body armor. I have not been able to develop a healthy balance of 2 lives and all that comes witrh it in to a peaceful, harmonious relationship. I see a pattern of me feeding and depending too much on the other person being there for me through every little thing and I dont give them enough space to be them.

In the past all my relationships have been a love triangle with me, the girl, and the drug. Its no secret which one I have been with the longest. My drinking and using and the harm it caused mentally, emotionally and to a degree physically have ended all the relationships with girls.

I have used my drinking and using and gambling as an excuse. I always seem to play the victim, thats if your life were like mine you woukd drink too.
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